A Little Bit Off…

Forgive me, this post may wander/ramble or be a bit all over the place.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been “a little bit off”, I don’t know why, and as the song says “I cannot put my finger on it”. One day I was my happy and carefree self, then the clouds came over and my mood went south and kept on in that direction for the duration. Many dark thoughts went through my head, dark thoughts that seemed rational at the time, but I could not talk about them. Talking is not something I do, never have, and I doubt I ever will. This I blame my father for as it was beaten into me that boys don’t cry, boys don’t express feeling, boys should go about fighting and beating up the gays. (The Irony of being a gay 51-year-old man whose father does not know he is gay as I have not seen him since I was a teen, also he lives somewhere in Europe.)

M has tried to get me to talk, but he knows not to push me as that has the complete opposite effect and being honest I tend to clam up anyway, so when asked if I am okay I just nod and stay quiet. I cannot explain why I clam up and find it so hard to talk and express myself. The whole thing is very uncomfortable and rather than go through the motions I would rather just close down, shut out the world and live in my own head. Even writing this is tough, not in an emotional way, but hard to put words on the screen. I have meant to write something over the past week or so in the hope that it starts to pull me back out of my slump, but, the voice in my head spouted negativity and piles on more dark thoughts and I finally decided the voice was right and agreed with it’s “who really wants to read this crap, no one cares”. Now, I am not looking for anyone to say anything, either way, I just decided it was time to let my fingers do the talking as it were.

Churchill famously called his depression his “Black Dog” and I understand why because it feels like it’s a physical thing. I have no name or point of reference for my “low mood” but it does feel like a dark oppressive cloud over me. M also refers to his clinical depression as his black dog from time to time. M has been diagnosed with depression, however, back in 2013 my GP gave me some antidepressants for a month as I was having a bad time at work and she labelled mine as “low mood”. I didn’t take the tablets as I am not a tablet taking person, even when I was given meds for my heart, foolish maybe, but that was my decision.

We all experience down days, and it usually is just that, a down day. This time felt different, but I cannot put into words why it was different. Even the dogs got to me, Maz jumping up at me and Harper not listening kept sending me over the edge and I had to sit in the garden on my own to try and sort myself out. Not that it worked all that well, but it did take an edge off my frustration and calmed me slightly. Again, as to why this was bothering me I will never know. Maz has always jumped up at me and Harper never listens, but that day I could feel myself falling over the edge of a precipice.

I have just read over the post so far, and I can see I am not really talking about things properly, just skirting about things, and I cannot go any further, it seems my head will not let me, and this is the same when talking, however, talking comes with a mental and dare I say it a physical muteness.

One thing that has come out of this dark patch is that I admitted to M that all the scars on my arms were self-inflicted from when I was a young teen, he knew deep down, but I had never mentioned them, and now the sun is out they are showing quite a bit, usually, I tend to burn and that hides them. I guess this is positive, even though my ramblings here have not exactly been groundbreaking, but it is a start. I don’t know where my head will end up or even if my current mood will change, but today I feel a little bit happier, fingers crossed I am on the up.

“A Little Bit Off” by Five Finger Death Punch resonated with me and I have therefore shared both the video and the lyrics.

I’m a little bit off today, something down inside me’s different
Woke up a little off today, I can tell that something’s wrong
I’m a little thrown off today, there’s something going on inside me
I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off today
(I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off)
See, I’m a little bit off today, I cannot put my finger on it
Got up a little off today, just to play that same old song
I don’t really wanna try today, I see nothing in my reflection
I’m a little bit dry today, feel like I could die today

Feel like I could die today

Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)

I’m a little pissed off today and there ain’t nothing you can do about it
I’m a little put-off today and I could not tell you why
Got a really short fuse today, everyone around me’s fucking crazy
I’m a little ticked off today, a little pissed off today
(I’m a little bit off today)
I told a little white lie today, I smiled and told someone I loved them
I had to say goodbye today to someone that I love
I couldn’t even cry today, I think my heart is finally broken
Didn’t need a reason why today, I don’t need a reason why today

Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)

I got a little too high today, got lost inside a sea of madness
Crashed a little bit hard today, crashed a little too hard today
Everybody sing

Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)

I’m a little bit off today
Something down inside me feels so different
Just a little bit off today
You can all fuck off today

Five Finger Death Punch – A Little Bit Off

  8 comments for “A Little Bit Off…

  1. June 7, 2021 at 10:47 pm

    I’m so sorry you are going through this, I hope you find your days brightening soon. I send my kindest regards to you both xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. June 8, 2021 at 8:58 am

    Talking is always good, whether that be verbally, handwritten, or typed on a screen. So keep talking, you will find there are more people listening than you realise. Wishing you brighter days.
    Lucy x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. June 8, 2021 at 3:40 pm

    This post resonates with me. I struggled with clinical depression for YEARS before it was diagnosed. I fought medication, but couldn’t bear the impact this was having on everyone. I would refer to my periods as dark nights of the soul (I love the writings of St. John of the Cross). I found better living and a full and robust life with the addition of some medication. It may not be for all, but it was the turning point for me.
    You are valued and a wonderful part of my little corner of the blogging world. I wish you peace as you navigate these periods. Know that you are not alone.
    Be well, Mr. Knitter. xoxo Regina

    Like

    • June 10, 2021 at 11:18 am

      Thank you for your kind words. When i used to run a BNI Networking group we used to refer to 3am when you wake up and start thinking about things as the long dark night of the soul as it was also the darkest part of the night too so made it appropriate. The motivation coach always said it was the time where out darkest thoughts happened to coincide with the darkness of the night. My moods seems to have lifted over the past few days which is a good start. Maybe posting helped, or maybe I am through the bottom of the signwave and am on the upward part. It is amazing the sheer amount of people who suffer mental health problems, and of course the pandemic has added to this, increasing numbers each and every day.

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 10, 2021 at 5:21 pm

        I am happy to hear your state of being is improving. I hope it helps to know that there is a safe place here amongst your readers.

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 11, 2021 at 10:20 pm

        And I am very grateful of all my readers like your goodself.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. June 9, 2021 at 12:50 am

    I highly recommend a therapist. They are trained to be nonjudgmental and help you get to the root of the feelings. They’ll help with deciding if medication is necessary.
    I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 10, 2021 at 11:22 am

      Good therapist here in the UK are rare. M went to one and she was as much use as a chocolate teapot. She was one of those happy clappers that did not want to listen and thought that joining a choir was the solution. Thankfully he managed to see others that knew their job and was very good at it, but the health system here only allows 10 sessions and that is your lot, even if you are suicidal 10 is the maximum. Finding private therapists is like taking on a mortgage here too.

      Liked by 1 person

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