A few weeks ago we decided to go to my homelands and have lunch in Llanberis. It was such a beautiful day, the sun was out, the sky was blue and we had lakes and mountains to look at, and to round the evening off we had fish, chips and mushy peas which were delicious.
Llyn Padarn is a glacial formed lake and the largest natural lake in Cymru, 105 meters above sea level and surrounded by the slate mountains, so it is quite spectacular. It is however quite cold in the water as both the dogs found out. Mazikeen was first in after seeing something in the water that she thought she could fish out and fell straight into it. When her little head bobbed up out of the water she looked a little shocked. I had to help her out as it was a little too high for her to get out, but she shook herself and carried on as if nothing happened. We were laughing at her doing it when both of them decided to go down one of the boat jetties which stops about 2 feet into the water and there is a drop. Harper was the first to look down at the edge whilst she was paddling about, then decided she could keep waking and went head first in. She was under the water for about 5 seconds and I thought I would have to jump in to get her out and then her head popped up and I pulled her out as she still had her harness on. Mazikeen, completely unperturbed by falling in and also seeing Harper fall in kept walking further out and then she vanished under the surface. I stepped forward ready to wake in and her little head popped up and she was swimming further out then realised and started going to the right to get back to the shore. Second dunking and she was not put off, and in and out the water for most of the day, but she was a little more careful from that point onwards.
As we can only enter one photo of one dog in the Purina competition and Mazikeen was the best for posing I went with her photo, but just for contrast, this is one of my favourite photos of Harper.
Forgive me, this post may wander/ramble or be a bit all over the place.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been “a little bit off”, I don’t know why, and as the song says “I cannot put my finger on it”. One day I was my happy and carefree self, then the clouds came over and my mood went south and kept on in that direction for the duration. Many dark thoughts went through my head, dark thoughts that seemed rational at the time, but I could not talk about them. Talking is not something I do, never have, and I doubt I ever will. This I blame my father for as it was beaten into me that boys don’t cry, boys don’t express feeling, boys should go about fighting and beating up the gays. (The Irony of being a gay 51-year-old man whose father does not know he is gay as I have not seen him since I was a teen, also he lives somewhere in Europe.)
M has tried to get me to talk, but he knows not to push me as that has the complete opposite effect and being honest I tend to clam up anyway, so when asked if I am okay I just nod and stay quiet. I cannot explain why I clam up and find it so hard to talk and express myself. The whole thing is very uncomfortable and rather than go through the motions I would rather just close down, shut out the world and live in my own head. Even writing this is tough, not in an emotional way, but hard to put words on the screen. I have meant to write something over the past week or so in the hope that it starts to pull me back out of my slump, but, the voice in my head spouted negativity and piles on more dark thoughts and I finally decided the voice was right and agreed with it’s “who really wants to read this crap, no one cares”. Now, I am not looking for anyone to say anything, either way, I just decided it was time to let my fingers do the talking as it were.
Churchill famously called his depression his “Black Dog” and I understand why because it feels like it’s a physical thing. I have no name or point of reference for my “low mood” but it does feel like a dark oppressive cloud over me. M also refers to his clinical depression as his black dog from time to time. M has been diagnosed with depression, however, back in 2013 my GP gave me some antidepressants for a month as I was having a bad time at work and she labelled mine as “low mood”. I didn’t take the tablets as I am not a tablet taking person, even when I was given meds for my heart, foolish maybe, but that was my decision.
We all experience down days, and it usually is just that, a down day. This time felt different, but I cannot put into words why it was different. Even the dogs got to me, Maz jumping up at me and Harper not listening kept sending me over the edge and I had to sit in the garden on my own to try and sort myself out. Not that it worked all that well, but it did take an edge off my frustration and calmed me slightly. Again, as to why this was bothering me I will never know. Maz has always jumped up at me and Harper never listens, but that day I could feel myself falling over the edge of a precipice.
I have just read over the post so far, and I can see I am not really talking about things properly, just skirting about things, and I cannot go any further, it seems my head will not let me, and this is the same when talking, however, talking comes with a mental and dare I say it a physical muteness.
One thing that has come out of this dark patch is that I admitted to M that all the scars on my arms were self-inflicted from when I was a young teen, he knew deep down, but I had never mentioned them, and now the sun is out they are showing quite a bit, usually, I tend to burn and that hides them. I guess this is positive, even though my ramblings here have not exactly been groundbreaking, but it is a start. I don’t know where my head will end up or even if my current mood will change, but today I feel a little bit happier, fingers crossed I am on the up.
“A Little Bit Off” by Five Finger Death Punch resonated with me and I have therefore shared both the video and the lyrics.
I’m a little bit off today, something down inside me’s different Woke up a little off today, I can tell that something’s wrong I’m a little thrown off today, there’s something going on inside me I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off today (I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off) See, I’m a little bit off today, I cannot put my finger on it Got up a little off today, just to play that same old song I don’t really wanna try today, I see nothing in my reflection I’m a little bit dry today, feel like I could die today
Feel like I could die today
Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off) Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)
I’m a little pissed off today and there ain’t nothing you can do about it I’m a little put-off today and I could not tell you why Got a really short fuse today, everyone around me’s fucking crazy I’m a little ticked off today, a little pissed off today (I’m a little bit off today) I told a little white lie today, I smiled and told someone I loved them I had to say goodbye today to someone that I love I couldn’t even cry today, I think my heart is finally broken Didn’t need a reason why today, I don’t need a reason why today
Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off) Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)
I got a little too high today, got lost inside a sea of madness Crashed a little bit hard today, crashed a little too hard today Everybody sing
Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off) Hey yeah, hey yeah Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off) Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)
I’m a little bit off today Something down inside me feels so different Just a little bit off today You can all fuck off today
My quest for a Ninja Coffee Bar is failing. I emailed SharkNinja about it and they told me that they have no plans to release another coffee machine in the UK and that the models CF065 & CF091 are no longer available and that they do not know of any suppliers in the UK that have them in stock still. I have looked and looked, but no one has one. I did find one on eBay, was the winning bid for 2 days, then was outbid with seconds to go. There are others on eBay for sale but they have all used/second hand, which I certainly do not want.
I found a European one on Amazon, but it is a different plug. I know I can get an adapter, but that is not the point, I would rather have a UK version. Also If I order today, I will receive it in June which puts me off too, and add to that I would be listed as the importer by Amazon, which begs the question of import tax, will I be charged for that too by HMRC? or because it is under a certain amount will there be no tax? Part of me wants to get it, but the above has stopped me in my tracks.
Now, I do have a coffee machine, no, let’s get that right, I have many coffee machines. I have a Nespresso machine, a filter machine, an Aeropress, a French Press, a Bialetti stovetop espresso pot, a Dolce Gusto machine, and of course I have a hot water dispenser and a kettle so I can make instant. Yes, I have lots of coffee making possibilities, but I still want the Ninja machine, they look good and have so many functions, unlike a coffee pot that has one job to do.
The search will continue unless I break, then I will have to get the European one from Amazon. If I do, I may have to see if I can remove the EU plug and fit a British one, although that will invalidate the guarantee. I really am running the complete gamut of decisions.
Australian Traveller that loves to "Roam" our globe, creator of ENDLESSROAMING.COM sharing the experience through word and photography. Currently residing in my home of Newtown Sydney
