Tag: Death

Its Nature

I am a complete softie when it comes to animals of any kind, and I hate to see them suffer. Tonight was no exception. Mazikeen found a field mouse in the garden this afternoon that was dying and sat with it until M saw her and went to see what was going on and moved the mouse out of harms way, but it passed away quite soon after. There was a little baby mouse peeking out so M put some seeds out for it to eat. Early evening we found a tiny baby mouse under one of the garden chairs that was thin and was looked like it too was dying. M picked it up and called me over to see it. As my hands are always really warm I took it from M and kept it warm until we got a little box and put in little pads to make it comfortable for it and put it in a warm place and watched over it. It moved about quite a few times, but I could see that its little heartbeat was slowing down, so sat with it until it too passed away.

Now, most people know me as a bit of tough bugger, feisty and dare I say, fighty, but when it took its final breath and his heart stopped I felt all kinds of sadness. I am a complete softy when animals are concerned. I was brought up in the country and worked on farms from an early age, had a career as an agricultural consultant and we always had animals and livestock, but every death I thought was sad. Our garden is like a pet cemetery and I have buried all our small pets that have passed away over the years, from guinea pigs to fish and said a quiet goodbye to them all. The little mouse was no exception and is buried under the silver birch tree.

Just before he passed away.

Ireland – An End

M came back on Friday night, me and the girls could not wait to collect him from the airport. His flight was due to land at 6:50pm and the wheels hit the tarmac at 6:30. Luckily I was not too far and was there when the disabled assistance brought him out to me. We were both very glad to see each other. The dogs went mental licking and doing their hug things as they were in the car waiting.

M’s sister again did not offer to take him to the airport even though she was in the same house and had a hire car and quickly vanished to the room she was staying in half an hour before he left. I would say hiding in her shame, but she has no shame, just hiding as she just did not give a shit about her disabled younger brother. If hell exists there is a definitely a place for her. His dad was his usual cold self and when M left, his father let him struggle with his bag and when a few feet down the path he just closed the door behind M only leaving the dog to look out and watch M leave. M’s brother who lives 5 minutes walk never bothered, nor did any of the nieces and nephews who all live within 5 minutes walk. Cold callous bastards the lot of them. I guess birds of a feather really do stick together.

Now, you may think, what has M done to receive this type of treatment. Easy to answer, he is a decent human being, and that seems to be a problem with them all. Over the 21 years I have watched them stab each other in the back, fall out with each other, have fist fights with each other and exude general hate to each other. All of this M had no part and kept away from their arguments as it was nothing to do with him. M is polite, kind beyond normality to be honest, and nice to everyone, but this seems to have put him at a disadvantage. His dad is a homophobe, we accepted that a long time, and “puts up” with us when we have visited. He has taken advantage of M over the years by getting him to do so much for him, from purchase of laptops, phones, and much more to sorting out paperwork, policies etc., basically everything he could not do or could not be arsed doing/learning M did it for him. As mentioned, M’s brother lives a few minutes walk away, but does nothing, and M was guilted to do things. When lockdown started M bought loads of essentials from toilet paper to hand sanitiser, he bought lots and sent it over to his dad, to which he barely got thanks. M never complained and just went with the flow, so in answer to the question, he did nothing wrong. His family are dicks. If M was a back stabbing hater then he would have fit with them all and nothing would ever have been a problem. His siblings had a problem with him when he was young as he was good at school and ended up at the Grammar School, passed all his exams, and never go into trouble, unlike his siblings who were out petrol bombing, rioting and sleeping with everyone with a pulse, not to mention they were always out drinking.

Now M’s mum has been laid to rest he has decided that there is no reason to go back. I have to agree with him, and in all honesty, I never want to see any of his family again. Even if they all apologised to him and admitted they were wrong to treat him like that, I still would not go as I could not believe them.

Although a visit to them is off, I had been chatting to the priest via email and he has asked whenever we are next over there to let him know as he would love for us to go to dinner with him, which we will be happy to do. However, the visit will not be to see M’s family, it would be to visit his Mums grave and to have a holiday on the west coast with the dogs.

With that all, this is the end of that era. Time to move on and enjoy life without interference and hate.

Requiem Mass

M’s mum was buried today, and although I was not able to be there with him on this very sad day, I was able to watch the Requiem Mass live as the church broadcast it for those of us who could not be there. It was a lovely service and the priest made me laugh and brought tears to my eyes. M made me very proud of him as he did a reading of the letter from St Paul to the Romans.

M had let the priest know that I would be watching the mass, and welcomed me in name, said that I was M’s spouse and where I was watching from, which was really touching. He spoke about M’s mum and her life from when she was 15 years old right up to her last days with great fondness. He had married M’s brother and knew the family very well. Whilst talking about her, he said that she was someone who did not have hate or intolerance in her, and talked of her support for M when he finally came out, and the hurt and hate he received from the community and family, and that she stood by him. This was quite a nice dig at the rest of the family who is not supportive of him, and as you know from my other posts his family are not all that pleasant, to say the least. Whilst talking to everyone he told M’s sister she was selfish for leaving his mum and going to live in America, it was done in jest, but the message was there. He then said about M’s brother G that he was not the favourite which brought a few giggles as we all knew why. M was her favourite and he was her baby, and although the priest did not say this out loud the message was quite clear.

I wrote to the priest and thanked him for a lovely mass and told him of the joy and sadness that the service brought to me, and that when I met his mum back in 1999 she greeted me with warmth and embraced me as one of her own. I told him of her request that I look after her baby, which I promised I would, and will do to the end of my days and that she knew we were in love even back then. He had told M that next time we are both in Ireland to pop in and have a cup of tea with him as he wanted to meet me and welcome me properly. I told him in my email that I would visit him next time and that we were in the church only last week.

Why?

M’s dad’s sister and her family were there who are what we refer to as “the god squad”. She and her family hugged everyone apart from M. Now, I am not a religious person, far from it, and cannot believe that people who are “gods followers” treat him with disdain and ignorance and have the audacity to call themselves Christians, and obviously have not read their bible (Matthew 7:12 – see even I know that), or in truth like most manic Christians pick and choose what they want to follow in order to continue with their uneducated way of life. I could go on, but why waste time on hypocrites.

M’s sister has not bothered speaking to him since he got back which really says a lot about her and today she has been even more narcissistic than ever, trying to make the day about her. M has been sending me videos of the day and this evening and it is cringing to watch, especially now she is as drunk as a lord.

Angela 1938 – 2020

Sadly M’s mum passed away this morning just after 9am.

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.

She will always be remembered in our hearts. Although she was not my mum, she was a mum to me for the 21 years I knew her. Goodnight dear lady x


She Walks in Beauty

By Lord Byron

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Short-lived…

I have mentioned in the past that I have several aquariums, and with that, lots of fish. On Saturday I bought two Tiger Hillstream Loaches. However, on Sunday, both were dead, no reason for this as my water was perfect, all filters were working, the water was fully oxygenated, and there are no diseases present, so I was at a loss. I have fish in the same tank that needs perfect conditions. These fish, however, are quite tough and only need a flowing tank, mine is medium flowing, so that should not be a problem. I took them back to the aquatics shop and they were at a loss as they tested my water and said that it was fine too. They gave me a credit to use for the cost of the fish as I did not want to get another two and the same happen. I may get some at a later date, but for now, I will give it a miss. If I do get some later, I could always set up another small tank for just them to thrive.

2 Years On…

Two years ago at 18:43 our beautiful girl Lilu crosses the doggie rainbow. We still miss her greatly as though it was yesterday. She will remain in our hearts forever.

One Year On…

No daft titles here today.

A year has flown by since Lilu passed away.  It is amazing how fast that seems to have gone.  8760 hours, that have ticked away without increasing speed, but in our minds, it seems like only yesterday we said goodbye to her and watched her silently pass from this world to the next, via the doggy rainbow that we have no access to.

All around we have our memories of her, on the walls, on the many bookcases, and I even have a tee shirt that has both Lilu and Harper (at 8 weeks old) on, which I have on today.

If I did not know better I would swear that Mazikeen is a reincarnation at times of Lilu.  She has so many of the same mannerisms and the same spirit of adventure.  Even the spiral staircase in the middle of the house was no obstacle to Lilu, and Mazikeen is the same, however, Harper puts her front paws on the first step and stands there waiting for us, never daring to climb even after watching the pup fly up and indeed when she was a pup herself watching Lilu go up, slowly as her walking was not the best after her spinal stroke, but she still wanted to go up, just for a potter about.  But I know by the Buddhist cycle of reincarnation that it is not possible, as they say, saṃsāra is an endless cycle without pause or end unless liberation is achieved by insight and the extinguishing of desire.

A year on and we still miss her like mad, and now and again emotions stir, a tear is shed, but the fun times and great memories are in abundance.  So I will leave you with a photo of her in one of her favourite places, the beach.

Lilu – Posing for a photograph before launching herself into the sea

Best Friends…

As you will know, Lilu passed away on 27th September.  Even though it is just under 4 weeks since her passing, it is still quite raw.  M and I were looking at photos and videos of her the other day, both smiling and remembering the good times we had with her, and that she was such a happy little lady.  Each week gets a little bit easier, but there is always a part of each week when something makes the loss of her feel as though it has just happened, and it is hard to fight back the tears.  Last Friday when I was at the supermarket I saw a friend who works there, and it brought it all back as she was the first friend I saw after Lilu passing (Lilu passed Wednesday night, and I saw N on Friday), and she told how sorry she was and hugged me.  Seeing her in the same place just made it all so raw again.  Not that it was N’s fault, it just happened to be like going back in time.  (Hope I am making sense.)  Some friends do not understand these feelings as they say it is only a dog, but to us, she was part of our little family.  I could cope happily with the loss of my human family as I am not that close to any of them, but our dogs are our life.

One who is missing Lilu is her best mate Harper.  Harper came into our lives when she was 5 weeks old back in 2014.  We went to a little place north of Preston and the lady had two puppies left, both identical, both pop bellied beauties.  One was running about having a wild old time, and the other just sat watching the other, and came over to me sitting on the floor, plopped herself down next to me, stared at me, then waiting for a belly rub.  Needless to say, that puppy was Harper-Lee, and she came home with us that evening.  Lilu was a little “what fresh hell is this” as this tiny bundle ran about the house exploring.  Lilu got into her bed which we put in the lounge whilst we were sat there, quickly followed by Harper, who snuggled in and fell fast asleep.  From that point on they always snuggled in with each other.  Lilu would mother her, lick her clean, play, and generally show her the ropes.  For just over three years they were side by side, no matter where they were, or what they did.

Partners in Crime?  Maybe.  Best Friends?  Definitely.

Lilu & Harper

Lilu & Harper

Lilu, an update…

As you, my dear readers know, we lost our lovely girl Lilu last Wednesday. It has been a very painful week, tears have been shed, memorials made, but finally, we are able to speak about her without choking up and wanting to run the other way. Some friends and family have been really nice and supportive, some though, have been damn right dismissive with “it’s only an animal” attitude, which really angered me. We do not have kids, and never will, so our dogs are like our kids, and are our family.

Yesterday we received a sympathy card from the vets, and I collected Luli’s ashes from them which was heartbreaking in itself, but today, I woke up knowing that she was back home with us, and felt I could take the pause button off and resume life again. Don’t get me wrong, we miss her, and always will, but the shock has finally worn off. I have ordered a memorial plaque that will be here in a few days, and M also ordered a memorial piece, and we bought two beautiful frames from India that we are going to put her photos in.

This morning, M & I took Harper to the beach, a place that Lilu loved to be, but the last few years was too far a walk for her. The wind was blowing, the tide was in and pounding the shore, and although I was not walking my old four-legged friend I felt she was with us again, running in and out of the surf with Harper, enjoying herself again. Harper loved the beach and the crashing waves, and some of the things she was doing were like watching Lilu again. I finally smiled and felt a final weight lift off me.

Goodbye

Come with me and rest in my arms,
Let me guide you, let me take you.
You’re in safe hands, I won’t let go,
No need to fret, just relax for a while.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

The end of the road is close at hand,
But fear not as I am taking you on a journey.
Let me take you to the rainbow base,
So you can scamper into a pain-free land.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

One last meal, so let’s make it good,
Fast food burgers with all the trimmings,
Your sister gets one, but the chocolates just for you
Take your time and enjoy the tastes.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

Sit a while and watch the sea flow,
My loving dog with little time to go.
Come with me for our last walk together,
We can take our time, that’s how you go.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

It’s time to go, so come with me,
One last car ride my beautiful girl.
Sit on the passenger seat next to me,
I’ll take my time and talk a while.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

We walk on in and the sadness builds,
I hide it now so you’re not scared.
The lady nods with a knowing smile,
It’s time my friend, the end is nigh.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

We settle down, all four of us,
Me, you, your sister and your other Dad.
The lady leaves to give us space,
We hug and kiss you for one last time.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

The moments come, a last goodbye,
All we can do is sit and cry.
The rainbow waits to take to far,
Away from us to a doggies land.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

Now your gone and free from pain,
An empty void begins to rein.
The picture we have will not bring you back,
Or your empty bed, or your toy sack.
I’ll keep you safe as I always have.

The memories we shared,
with the love that you gave,
Will help us through this difficult stage.
The pain will fade as the memories grow,
So keep us safe as you always do.

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