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I have not been in the best of moods over the past few days. I have been quite down, depressed some may say. I woke on Wednesday and felt a huge black cloud/dark mood come over me, and it has nestled there ever since. Indeed, it is not as bad now as it has been, but all the same, it is still there. I cannot pinpoint as to why I am feeling like this, but needless to say, it has been all encompassing.
I have avoided my email box, my blog, and other things that I do day to day. I have even deleted this post several times with the thought of “who wants to read this? really?”, then started again.
It is a holiday weekend, the last of the summer, and usually, I would be planning days out and fun things to do, but I just do not have it in me, and when I try to force myself to get back into the holiday spirit I tell myself “I cannot be arsed” and “I don’t care”, and right at this moment I don’t care. I feel like getting into bed, crawling under the duvet and letting the world pass by until I am ready to tackle it. But life is not like that and I have a partner and two dogs who depend on me. I have responsibilities that I have to attend to, and there is no way around it, so I carry on regardless of the building dark cloud.
I am tired, exhausted really, irritable to the point of flares of anger. My heart problem (atrial fibrillation) is really playing up, waking me, erratically missing beats, speeding up, stopping for long pauses, then trying to catch up on itself again. Although I am used to this, it still causes discomfort and worry/stress. This time it is adding to my dark mood, but not causing it.
My youngest dog seems to sense I am down as she keeps sitting on or by me staring at me, but not in the annoying way Eddie stares at Frasier, it is as though she is trying to help and her stares are longing loving stares. My older dog is only concerned with food, so has no interest. I told M on Wednesday that I was really down, but I have not spoken further about it. I was brought up to keep my feelings to myself, and cannot change a lifetime of conditioning.
Like all thing, it will pass.
Have you ever had one of those days? The type of day that gets you annoyed from the onset? Today was one of those days, yet here I am at just before 6pm and I have no idea why I feel so pissed off with everything. The day started off with waste disposal guys driving down the side of our house to collect bins for the bar and the kebab place on the next street. The do not have a right of access, so you would hope that they would be courteous, but not a chance. One week one of the guys was caught having a piss, and most weeks detritus is spewed from the tipping of the bin, yet they do not clean it up. Today I complained to the disposal people, and was, of course, ignored.
Next was our older dog, who decided to vomit her breakfast up on the carpet, I cleaned it up but thought “what the fuck?”, she then decided to shit whilst going down the stairs as I was letting her out into the garden, so I had to clean that up. This day so far was not boding well.
Had to take my partner to the Hospital in Liverpool for tests, the map and their letter suggested there was disabled parking in the hospital, this was not to be, there was indeed no parking and the only one on offer was a Q Park which is notorious for being very expensive, also was quite a bit away from the hospital, so that really does not work for the disabled in getting to it. However, we managed to park in the road on double yellows. As I pointed out, there was information with regards to the location, and both postcodes were not recognised by the satnav, again not boding well.
To add to it, the older dog was doing her usual stand-up behaviour and constantly moaning, which is her way of saying “it should be all about me…”
So what started off as waking up tired and fed up, the unfolding events of the day just made my mood worse. I thought maybe I should buy myself something nice, but I don’t wany anything, and to be honest I do not need anything, and even more honesty, I have spent far too much money on myself in the last few week, so need to rein it in.
Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow in a damn sight better mood that I did today.
I love quiet times, and I mean TV off, no mobiles or computers, just the silence and a book. But all of a sudden it seems too much. My partner of 16 years has gone to stay with his parents in Ireland, which means I am at home in England alone with the dogs. It has been 11 days so far, and I have to wait till the 5th December till he will be back, but the silence is now deafening.
I am not really one for the TV, I find most programs mind zapping. I do like films, especially classics, and I quite like documentaries, but lately there is nothing that matches my taste. I have watched American Horror Story, but one hour a week really does not make me a TV lover.
The quiet continues on through the day and into the night.
I read in silence, write in silence, check my email in silence. I put Spotify on, then get fed up with the noise, and then the quiet seeps in like a virus that is trying to invade and eventually take over.
I walk the dogs out on the fields between the cemetery and the golf course, and it is in silence. The only noise comes from the engine and the radio as I drive to my preferred place to walk. I could go to the beach and have the noise of the sea crashing, but the council has cut it off from cars, and there is nowhere to park unless you want to risk a double yellow and a fine.
I could go to the woods, but it is silent there too and again nowhere to park. I went grocery shopping and the supermarket was quiet, not silent, but enough to notice. It seems odd. I pass a woman talking to her kids, rather loudly and I think to myself “tone it down, or shut up”.
The silence is all consuming and is something I want, and yet, I do not want at the same time.
The dogs play fight with each other and have a great time, but I want it to stop, it seems too much, but then when they stop, I listen to nothing apart from the whistling noise in my ears.
I am in sound limbo. Quiet and deafening. Wanting and hating.
I have always been interested in meditation and yoga since I was a kid, as my Aunt used to practice it. This week I decided to start after listening to video by Leo Gura. Free information and videos etc from his site, so I thought, the time is now.
I did what he said in his first video, “How to meditate, the no bullshit guide to meditation”. I don’t know if it was just super tired, but I slept well for the first time in a very long time. It could be the meditation which relaxed me, again who knows.
Early days yet, so who knows where it will go, but the Buddhists have practiced it forever, and they seem pretty happy with their lives, and the Dalia Lama cannot be faulted, why not give it a go.
He said to give ourselves a 30-day challenge, which isn’t much of a commitment, 20 minutes a day, so I’m in.
Whether I reach an inner peace/nirvana or not, it does not cost anything, and if it helps in even the smallest way, then it is not a waste of time, furthermore, the help and videos are all free to watch.
What can go wrong?