Tag: Life

What’s up…

Oh my! Where do I start? I feel as though Christmas was just yesterday and here we are at the end of April. The year really has flown too fast, and I feel that I need to take a moment to stop the world and take stock. I have neglected so much because I have been far too busy. Each weekend I think I will catch up with correspondence, maybe do a bit of knitting etc., but it does not seem to happen. I find other pressing things that need to be attended to from sorting out the garden, decorating, work, and much much more. Today was no different. I woke in the middle of the night with a plan, but, that did not happen and I ended up building two new desks for M and me. M had bought himself a new one as the one he bought earlier in the year just wasn’t working for him, it is a shame as it is a lovely oak writing desk. The new one is more suited for his needs. However, after building it this morning for him I thought it was rather nice and ended up ordering one for myself, and collected it at 4pm when it was in store. Of course, me being impatient, built it and broke down my old desk that is about 15 years old ready for the dump. Between all this, I had to take the dogs walking as much as possible between the monsoon downpours we are experiencing at the moment with storm Hanna.

Next thing I know it is 7pm and I need to make dinner and the day has passed over with no catch up done whatsoever.

My part of the office, and yes you can see Deckard, Office K, Joi, Luv and Niander Wallace from Blade Runner 2049. On the shelf above my iMac is a poster of 2049.

Tomorrow I have to do big water changes and filtration cleaning on all three tanks, so that will be the morning taken up. Dump runs are needed to in order to get rid of my old desk and other bits of accumulated rubbish. Next will be painting the ceiling in the kitchen. I have already done the walls, but the colour (feather pillow) was not what I envisioned and looks white, so I need to get a new colour and redo all the walls. I also have to rub down the cupboards and paint them, and finally replace the worktops and change the lighting to LED. Once done I think I can sit down and catch up, or, at least, that is the plan. Later in the year, I need to sort out the flooring in two of the bedrooms as it needs replacing, and is a job I am not looking forward too. Also the flooring in part of the kitchen behind the units and where the dishwasher is, needs to be replaced too. It seems like we never stop working on the house. I sometimes feel it is like a millstone around our necks, but the house was built in the late 1800s and repairs come with the territory.

My sewing machine as mentioned in a past post is still sitting next to my desk ready for me to service it, but I just have not had time. I have so much Netflix to watch, and far too many books that I have bought this year to read. If I can just stay at home for the next 8 months and concentrate on catching up I will be ready by Christmas to resume a normal life.

I leave you with a tune I love, and it sort of sums up everything for me.

What’s Going On?

The past month or so I really can not be bothered with anything, and I have no idea way.  Is it because I am inherently lazy?  Is it because of the lack of daylight, cold, rain and general winter blues?  Who knows!  I am in a rut basically.  It feels like the walls to the rut are just too big to get over, and the ones that I can climb are covered with grease and it becomes a pointless task.  Now, do not get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself one bit, I am just in a rut!

I started with a cold about 6 weeks ago, and from there on, which I think is the real problem, is that I feel shitty all the time.  It is like the remnants of the cold are still lingering and zapping my energy, and I am still snotty too, which is a royal pain in the arse.  Indeed I have nothing of real consequence to moan about in all honesty.  After all, I have all of my faculties, limbs, husband and dogs.  I know I am far better off than many, and I just wish I could get out of this rut and be of some real use.  

Apart from reading and making the odd loaf of bread, I have done nothing of interest.  I am behind on my pen friend exchange, and although I have bought them all Christmas cards, they are still sitting on my desk waiting to be written.

Part of me thinks this apathy is just part of the winter blues, especially this time of year, Christmas and all that.  I have never really been a Christmas person.  Partly due to being born on the cusp of Christmas day, no one remembers it, never did even when I was a kid, including my family, but they can remember the birth of a made up person that was born over 200 years ago.  Before any bible thumping starts, there is no solid proof that this guy existed; Fact!  Like being vegan and having to tell everyone, keep your arguments to yourself.  Now, on saying that, not that I want anything from anyone for my Birthday apart from the verbal wishes.  It is just nice to be remembered.

No, I am in a rut and have to get out of it, so here are my words that may be cathartic in moving me on.  Also, I am putting up the Christmas tree and decorations, so that may lift me.  Mazikeen is sitting with me whilst I write this, so maybe the light is at the end of the tunnel.

Go to the light Carol Anne 

Dark Days

I have not been in the best of moods over the past few days. I have been quite down, depressed some may say. I woke on Wednesday and felt a huge black cloud/dark mood come over me, and it has nestled there ever since. Indeed, it is not as bad now as it has been, but all the same, it is still there. I cannot pinpoint as to why I am feeling like this, but needless to say, it has been all encompassing.

I have avoided my email box, my blog, and other things that I do day to day. I have even deleted this post several times with the thought of “who wants to read this? really?”, then started again.

It is a holiday weekend, the last of the summer, and usually, I would be planning days out and fun things to do, but I just do not have it in me, and when I try to force myself to get back into the holiday spirit I tell myself “I cannot be arsed” and “I don’t care”, and right at this moment I don’t care. I feel like getting into bed, crawling under the duvet and letting the world pass by until I am ready to tackle it. But life is not like that and I have a partner and two dogs who depend on me. I have responsibilities that I have to attend to, and there is no way around it, so I carry on regardless of the building dark cloud.

I am tired, exhausted really, irritable to the point of flares of anger. My heart problem (atrial fibrillation) is really playing up, waking me, erratically missing beats, speeding up, stopping for long pauses, then trying to catch up on itself again. Although I am used to this, it still causes discomfort and worry/stress. This time it is adding to my dark mood, but not causing it.

My youngest dog seems to sense I am down as she keeps sitting on or by me staring at me, but not in the annoying way Eddie stares at Frasier, it is as though she is trying to help and her stares are longing loving stares. My older dog is only concerned with food, so has no interest. I told M on Wednesday that I was really down, but I have not spoken further about it. I was brought up to keep my feelings to myself, and cannot change a lifetime of conditioning.

Like all thing, it will pass.

One Of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days?  The type of day that gets you annoyed from the onset?  Today was one of those days, yet here I am at just before 6pm and I have no idea why I feel so pissed off with everything. The day started off with waste disposal guys driving down the side of our house to collect bins for the bar and the kebab place on the next street. The do not have a right of access, so you would hope that they would be courteous, but not a chance.  One week one of the guys was caught having a piss, and most weeks detritus is spewed from the tipping of the bin, yet they do not clean it up.  Today I complained to the disposal people, and was, of course, ignored.

Next was our older dog, who decided to vomit her breakfast up on the carpet, I cleaned it up but thought “what the fuck?”, she then decided to shit whilst going down the stairs as I was letting her out into the garden, so I had to clean that up.  This day so far was not boding well.

Had to take my partner to the Hospital in Liverpool for tests, the map and their letter suggested there was disabled parking in the hospital, this was not to be, there was indeed no parking and the only one on offer was a Q Park which is notorious for being very expensive, also was quite a bit away from the hospital, so that really does not work for the disabled in getting to it.  However, we managed to park in the road on double yellows. As I pointed out, there was information with regards to the location, and both postcodes were not recognised by the satnav, again not boding well.

To add to it, the older dog was doing her usual stand-up behaviour and constantly moaning, which is her way of saying “it should be all about me…”

So what started off as waking up tired and fed up, the unfolding events of the day just made my mood worse.  I thought maybe I should buy myself something nice, but I don’t wany anything, and to be honest I do not need anything, and even more honesty, I have spent far too much money on myself in the last few week, so need to rein it in.

Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow in a damn sight better mood that I did today.

Too Quiet

I love quiet times, and I mean TV off, no mobiles or computers, just the silence and a book. But all of a sudden it seems too much. My partner of 16 years has gone to stay with his parents in Ireland, which means I am at home in England alone with the dogs. It has been 11 days so far, and I have to wait till the 5th December till he will be back, but the silence is now deafening.

I am not really one for the TV, I find most programs mind zapping. I do like films, especially classics, and I quite like documentaries, but lately there is nothing that matches my taste. I have watched American Horror Story, but one hour a week really does not make me a TV lover.

The quiet continues on through the day and into the night.

I read in silence, write in silence, check my email in silence. I put Spotify on, then get fed up with the noise, and then the quiet seeps in like a virus that is trying to invade and eventually take over.

I walk the dogs out on the fields between the cemetery and the golf course, and it is in silence. The only noise comes from the engine and the radio as I drive to my preferred place to walk. I could go to the beach and have the noise of the sea crashing, but the council has cut it off from cars, and there is nowhere to park unless you want to risk a double yellow and a fine.

I could go to the woods, but it is silent there too and again nowhere to park.  I went grocery shopping and the supermarket was quiet, not silent, but enough to notice. It seems odd. I pass a woman talking to her kids, rather loudly and I think to myself “tone it down, or shut up”.

The silence is all consuming and is something I want, and yet, I do not want at the same time.

The dogs play fight with each other and have a great time, but I want it to stop, it seems too much, but then when they stop, I listen to nothing apart from the whistling noise in my ears.

I am in sound limbo. Quiet and deafening. Wanting and hating.

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