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I have not been in the best of moods over the past few days. I have been quite down, depressed some may say. I woke on Wednesday and felt a huge black cloud/dark mood come over me, and it has nestled there ever since. Indeed, it is not as bad now as it has been, but all the same, it is still there. I cannot pinpoint as to why I am feeling like this, but needless to say, it has been all encompassing.
I have avoided my email box, my blog, and other things that I do day to day. I have even deleted this post several times with the thought of “who wants to read this? really?”, then started again.
It is a holiday weekend, the last of the summer, and usually, I would be planning days out and fun things to do, but I just do not have it in me, and when I try to force myself to get back into the holiday spirit I tell myself “I cannot be arsed” and “I don’t care”, and right at this moment I don’t care. I feel like getting into bed, crawling under the duvet and letting the world pass by until I am ready to tackle it. But life is not like that and I have a partner and two dogs who depend on me. I have responsibilities that I have to attend to, and there is no way around it, so I carry on regardless of the building dark cloud.
I am tired, exhausted really, irritable to the point of flares of anger. My heart problem (atrial fibrillation) is really playing up, waking me, erratically missing beats, speeding up, stopping for long pauses, then trying to catch up on itself again. Although I am used to this, it still causes discomfort and worry/stress. This time it is adding to my dark mood, but not causing it.
My youngest dog seems to sense I am down as she keeps sitting on or by me staring at me, but not in the annoying way Eddie stares at Frasier, it is as though she is trying to help and her stares are longing loving stares. My older dog is only concerned with food, so has no interest. I told M on Wednesday that I was really down, but I have not spoken further about it. I was brought up to keep my feelings to myself, and cannot change a lifetime of conditioning.
Like all thing, it will pass.
Have you ever had one of those days? The type of day that gets you annoyed from the onset? Today was one of those days, yet here I am at just before 6pm and I have no idea why I feel so pissed off with everything. The day started off with waste disposal guys driving down the side of our house to collect bins for the bar and the kebab place on the next street. The do not have a right of access, so you would hope that they would be courteous, but not a chance. One week one of the guys was caught having a piss, and most weeks detritus is spewed from the tipping of the bin, yet they do not clean it up. Today I complained to the disposal people, and was, of course, ignored.
Next was our older dog, who decided to vomit her breakfast up on the carpet, I cleaned it up but thought “what the fuck?”, she then decided to shit whilst going down the stairs as I was letting her out into the garden, so I had to clean that up. This day so far was not boding well.
Had to take my partner to the Hospital in Liverpool for tests, the map and their letter suggested there was disabled parking in the hospital, this was not to be, there was indeed no parking and the only one on offer was a Q Park which is notorious for being very expensive, also was quite a bit away from the hospital, so that really does not work for the disabled in getting to it. However, we managed to park in the road on double yellows. As I pointed out, there was information with regards to the location, and both postcodes were not recognised by the satnav, again not boding well.
To add to it, the older dog was doing her usual stand-up behaviour and constantly moaning, which is her way of saying “it should be all about me…”
So what started off as waking up tired and fed up, the unfolding events of the day just made my mood worse. I thought maybe I should buy myself something nice, but I don’t wany anything, and to be honest I do not need anything, and even more honesty, I have spent far too much money on myself in the last few week, so need to rein it in.
Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow in a damn sight better mood that I did today.